What Do Tom Brady and Megan Fox Have In Common?

by Pratyush Buddiga

I think mostly everyone has seen preseason power rankings of NFL teams. They are posted on almost every website, but the simple fact is we really don’t know before a season who’s going to be the best from 1-32. Did anyone see the Cowboys struggling to finish above .500? How about the Patriots missing the playoffs? Or the Detroit Lions being the worst team in the league? OK, the last one was a bad example. You get my point though.

I thought about power rankings by position and realized that the only one that is relatively easy and fun to do is quarterback. Running back and wide receiver sees a ton of turnover, although the best at these positions usually remain relatively stable. Ranking the offensive line might be fun for Scouts, Inc. but not exactly exciting for the typical NFL fan. Quarterback, on the other hand, is the marquee position and the most fun to debate. One of the greatest triumphs for Colts fans in winning their Super Bowl is they finally had something to stick in the craw of all those who ended any Tom Brady-Peyton Manning debate by deriding Manning as a choker and perennial playoff loser. Even though the vast majority of QB debates are less minor than the argument over who is the Greatest QB of His Generation, they are still attended to with a passionate fervor that is only usually surpassed by disputes over who’s hotter: Generic Film Star X or Generic Music Star Y.

I compiled my list based on the assumption that these players---the prospective starters for their teams---were all relatively healthy. This isn’t a fantasy ranking either. Without further ado, one man’s QB Power Rankings:

The Elite (The Megan Fox Division)

Tom Brady, New England Patriots---He is the best at his position right now and in the discussion for the best of all-time. The loss against the Giants will leave a black mark on his legacy, but he has been almost everything you could ever want out of the QB position since he began starting. A cinch Hall of Famer.

Peyton Manning, Indianapolis Colts---Manning knows the position probably better than anyone and could step right into an offensive coordinator’s or head coach’s job tomorrow. He struggled early last year, but improved as the effects of the knee wore off. He still has a habit of struggling in playoff games, but his legacy was secured with a Super Bowl win against the Bears. Another first-ballot Hall of Famer.

Almost There, But Not Quite (The Jessica Biel Division)

Drew Brees, New Orleans Saints---Judged inferior to Phil Rivers and his giant contract a few years ago, Brees has partnered with Sean Payton to put up some truly ridiculous stats with the Saints. He’s one of the premier passers in the modern game but needs to improve his postseason resume to have any chance of making it to Canton.

Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh Steelers---Since he’s generally overrated by the media, I hate putting him this high, but he can put up numbers when he needs to (see 2007). He’s also one of the better 2-minute and 4^th quarter QBs in the league. Many refer to him as a game manager, but he does know how to win the game for his team when it needs for him to do it.

Philip Rivers, San Diego Chargers---I hate his guts, but he is quickly emerging into one of the best QBs in the league. Long in the shadow of LaDainian Tomlinson, Rivers is clearly one of the best passers in the game despite a relatively weak receiving corps.

Kurt Warner, Arizona Cardinals---Old and immobile, Warner is still a good passer and great leader. He clearly benefits from the best receiving corps in football, but I don’t think Matt Leinart would be putting up nearly the same numbers as the former grocery boy. Plus, you never want to go against God.

I Want, but I Still Have Some Questions (The Katherine Heigl Division)

Eli Manning, New York Giants---He struggled without Plax, but makes better decisions every year and has always been pretty good in pressure situations. He’s the most apt to drop in the rankings severely this year though as defenses key in on him without a go-to target.

Tony Romo, Dallas Cowboys---Gets a lot of grief for being overrated, but for my money he is one of the best QBs in the league. Romo spreads the ball around well and has the mobility to make a lot of plays happen. Remember, this is only the third season he has gone into as the starter for America’s Team. He’s still developing but has already put up some amazing numbers.

Jay Cutler, Chicago Bears (sigh)---He may not do as well with the Bears' relative lack of offensive talent compared to the Broncos, but Cutler is extremely talented with the arm strength to make all the throws.. I think he'll be top-3 within a few years and is already there in terms of talent. He still needs to improve his decision-making and it remains to be seen what he can do in the playoffs.

Donovan McNabb, Philadelphia Eagles---He is constantly criticized for coming up tiny in big games, but a talented QB. Part of the reason he is so low in my rankings is that he can be inconsistent (see: last year's debacle against the Eagles before the crazy revival four days later). He gets a lot of unnecessary flak which is probably undeserved, but the fact remains that I don’t want him playing for me with 80 yards to go and the game on the line unless we were in a dry heaving contest.

Carson Palmer, Cincinnati Bengals---One of the best pure passers in the league, extremely dangerous when healthy. In my initial rankings, I put Carson Palmer way too high but realized later that he struggled last year even before the injury and was less than his usual best in 2007 as well. He hasn’t won anything but the Bengals’ horrific team culture and defense has a lot to do with that. If Kimo von Oelhoffen, the inspiration to the Bernard Pollards of the world, doesn’t roll into his knee in 2005, we might be talking about the time Palmer led them to the AFC Championship Game or even the Super Bowl.

The Future Superstar (The Emma Watson Division)

Matt Ryan, Atlanta Falcons---He is an amazingly talented young QB. He will be in the top 3 within the next 5 years as the Brady/Manning/Brees era comes to a close. I think he'll have some growing pains this year as defenses better adjust to him, but the foundation is there for a multiple Super Bowl future.

Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay Packers---He had great passing numbers, but needs to improve in the 4th quarter. I definitely root for him though so all those people who wanted Favre to stick around with the Packers can be proven wrong.

Matt Schaub, Houston Texans---Schaub puts up good numbers, but can't stay on the field. He undoubtedly has a very high ceiling with the offensive talent that surrounds him.

Bread-and-Butter (The Anne Hathaway Division)

Matt Cassel, Kansas City Chiefs---He takes too many sacks and isn't great with the deep ball despite having the best deep ball threat of all-time last year as a wideout. It still pains me that the Broncos attempted to trade Cutler for him, which of course led to the entire debacle. He is the classic game manager.

Joe Flacco, Baltimore Ravens---He did exactly what he was supposed to do with the Ravens last year and should incrementally improve this year. Flacco may not have the high ceiling (particularly if he stays with the Ravens and their conservative offensive approach) of a Ryan or Rodgers, but should win lots of games with a great organization behind him.

Chad Pennington, Miami Dolphins---Solid, but unspectacular. Just like this analysis.

Can I Have You From A Few Years Back? (The Keira Knightley Division)

David Garrard, Jacksonville Jaguars---This would have been low for him prior to last season, but Garrard struggled in 2008. He also took too many sacks for someone with his mobility.

Matt Hasselbeck, Seattle Seahawks---Solid QB. 19 seems a bit low for him, but I couldn't put him ahead of anyone in front.

Brett Favre, Minnesota Vikings---Old as the Roman Empire, but he still has a strong arm. He struggles when the weather gets cold and I’m unsure about his leadership capabilities at this point. I'm going to refrain from commenting on his wishy-washiness because that's just beating a dead horse.

Marc Bulger, St. Louis Rams---His game has dramatically dropped off in recent years, due in part to injuries. He still could probably put up decent numbers with average WRs and O-line.

I’m Still Taking You Home, but I Ain’t Bragging (The Elisabeth Moss Division)

Trent Edwards, Buffalo Bills---Unremarkable numbers, but should be a decent NFL starter; although he probably will never develop into a top-tier QB.

Jason Campbell, Washington Redskins---Has progressed in the last few years, but I just don't think he is talented enough to ever be a great QB. A serviceable one? Maybe. But this guy could never win you a Super Bowl with his arm.

Shaun Hill, San Francisco 49ers---He performed well at the end of last season and should be decent again this year.

Kerry Collins, Tennessee Titans---Played the caretaker role to perfection last year, but lacks upside

The Trainwreck Waiting To Happen (The Heidi Montag Division)

Jake Delhomme, Carolina Panthers---Coming off one of the worst playoff perforrmances by a QB not named Brett Favre in recent memory, Delhomme likely does not inspire much confidence in the fans or his teammates. He’s been living off the 2nd half of the Patriots Super Bowl for far too many years.

Kyle Orton, somehow the Denver Freakin' Broncos---Kyle Orton sucks. Goddammit, I hate this guy.

Maybe One Day When You’re Older (The Miley Cyrus Division)

Brady Quinn, Cleveland Browns---I wish I could be him, but I don't think he has really proved much as an NFL starter yet. If he ever develops into a solid QB---and he does have a decent upside---he will be one of the most popular and high-paid athletes in the league.

I’m Giving Up On You (The Britney Spears Division)

Byron Leftwich, Tampa Bay Buccaneers---Gritty and tough, but completely immobile.

JaMarcus Russell, Oakland Raiders---He's in a black hole in Oakland so it's hard to blame him too much, but he hasn't really shown anything yet to suggest he will be a great NFL starter

The Hotshot Prospect (The Peyton List Division)

Matthew Stafford, Detroit Lions---All signs point to him developing into a decent QB, but I'm a little bit wary of can't-miss uber-talented prospects who underperformed in college. At any rate, he'll struggle this year.

Mark Sanchez, New York Jets---Cocky enough to be an NFL starter, but he will also likely struggle as a rookie. He could do big things for the NFL in the future with the Hispanic community.

I'm sure this list will invite a lot of anger and consternation, but that's what lists like this are made for. Write in with your feedback if you agree or disagree with any part of this list. It's good to be talking about football again even if the Broncos are headed to a 3-13 season.

Grading the Kansas City Chiefs

By: Dante Javier Contreras


Grading the Kansas City Chiefs.

QB: Our new regime of Scott Pioli and Todd Haley have decided to tie their future to the arm of Matt Cassel. To be honest I’m not at all sold on Cassel. There’s a few ways to look at it. Yes he did have a decent season with the pats last year, but with that offense how could you not. As a fan I obviously hope he proves me wrong but the realist in me says that he’s just not that good.

We all remember Rich Gannon and his undeniable talent and the whole QB controversy. I get that same feel from Tyler Thigpen. Strong arm, mobile in the pocket and can use his feet to get out and make a play, but never looks to run first. He kept us in darn near every game down to the last few minutes last year, and really what more can you ask from a rookie running a new offense. I really expected a big leap this year from Tyler.

Grade- B-

RB- Larry Johnson is coming back as the number one. Two straight injury plagued years right after his 416 carry season makes me question whether it was a fluke or the punishment is already doing it’s damage. One thing about LJ though is that when he has a point to prove, and in this case he has a lot; assualt charges, trade demands, etc, he usually performs like an elite player. And I think he desperately wants out of KC and wants to get paid so he knows he’s got to put up some big numbers.

Jamaal Charles- I really liked this pick by the chiefs last year. If he stays healthy I see big things for him. A true speedster with enough power to run over some db’s. An excellent change of pace back for the bruiser that is Larry Johnson.

Grade-A

WR/TE- Dwayne Bowe is our only legitimate number one and we really don’t even have a solid number three. So we have a one and a bunch of threes. Great. Tony Gonzalez has departed for Atlanta so Cassel won’t have the luxury of that safety blanket. Bring in a mediocre quarterback and team him up with a mediocre WR corp. Makes sense.

Grade- D

Defense- We were the second worst defense in the league last year. Giving up 27.5 ppg. Atrocious. It’s really embarrassing to watch so called professionals miss tackle after tackle on what should be a routine play. The only bright spot was our ability to create turnovers, but we were on the field so long it’s bound to happen sooner or later. Our biggest weakness was our pass rush, or lack there of should I say. Play after play allowed the opposing offense 3-6 seconds to read through their progressions unmolested. It was like watching a bunch of little kids trying to get by their parents. And then it trickles down, no pass rush means the DB’s have to cover the wide receivers longer which gets harder and harder to do, which leads to us giving up more and more points. So what do we do to try and fix this? Switch to a 3-4. Ok not bad, but we still need a pass rusher, and there were some decent ones to be hand in the draft, so we select Tyson Jackson, the antithesis of a pass rusher?!?! Ok my head just exploded.

Grade- F

Special Teams- There’s not much to say here really. Our punter is awesome and our kicker is pretty good. With the new wedge rule it’s going to make it very hard to return kicks so I don’t think we have to worry about this as much.

Grade- A (by default)

Final Analysis- I honestly don’t like anything we did during the offseason, but in football you just never know, as the dolphins and falcons aptly proved last year, when guys come together and believe in the system and each other good things can happen. Lets hope so.

My prediction: 5-11.

Everyone Deserves a Second Chance

In the spirit of second chances, Free Bill Simmons is back on the air! Errr web... meh, you get the idea. More than anything the hiatus was due to everyone wanting to take the summer off rather than mail it in with half-assed pieces (looking at the Real Bill Simmons) filled with crappy grammar (wait all my posts are already like this.)

But let's really focus on the good news. We've trimmed staff (actually all the same writers can still write if they want we just don't want make them go on a death march if they don't) and its football season/baseball pennant races so we have a constant source of material to write on. Expect more blog posts and less fully thought out pieces. I'll even be writing a preview article for each weekend ala John Clayton (without the Mark Schlereth ass-sniffing.) You can also fully expect to see Prat and I engage in an Ali-Frazier type fight over how shitty Jay Cutler is. So sit back, enjoy and come back often. At least until we decide to take our next sabbatical.

Please Stand By

I've been busy at work, Prat is off backpacking through Europe and a couple of other writers appear to be auditioning Castaway 2.

Watching both Boston sports teams get knocked out in a 72 hour period was not a fun of experience for me so I just haven't felt like writing. Sure the Sox are in first but watching David Oritz his is about as exciting as watching Tyler Perry's House of Payne and our Shortstop situation is the baseball equivalent of the government in Pakistan.

But the good news is that we are 3 months away from football season. And who doesn't want to write about football? So basically what I'm saying is we're re-tooling, re-formatting and we will back soon with a new attitude, new formant and we will try that out for a couple months before we stop posting again. In the mean time, I'm going to start using our Marketing Budget to sponsor shit.

See you all soon

Vindication for Nuggets' Fans

by Pratyush Buddiga

Vindicated.

That’s how every Nuggets fan feels right now. Vindicated for sticking with the team through the awful 1990s and even more boring jerseys. Vindicated for swallowing the bitter pill of passing on Amare Stoudemire (twice). Vindicated for believing in Carmelo Anthony as national media members began to doubt his stardom. Vindicated for keeping our heads high even after five straight first-round exits.

The mission isn’t done just yet, but it’s safe to say that this year’s Nuggets went further than anybody expected. After the offseason trades of Marcus Camby and fan favorite Eduardo Najera, many began to wonder if the team executives had simply had enough of mediocrity---despite 50 wins last year, the Nuggets were the 8 seed---and were going to blow the team up. Like many other fans, I thought that the Nuggets would be lucky to finish 10th or 11th in the conference. The question of making the playoffs was treated with Jim Mora-like disdain.

I’m not going to rehash the Chauncey Billups trade because everyone already knows how vital this was for the Nuggets’ turnaround. Much credit has to be given to Mark Warkentien for not only engineering trades that would improve the Nuggets team tremendously, but also shave off 20 million from the payroll. Ever since Billups arrived, the team has had a different feel to it. They no longer hopes it can win, they believe it.

The emergence of J.R. Smith and Chris “Birdman” Andersen gave this team a bench that is simply unmatched in the rest of the league. What other team (besides the Spurs with a healthy Manu) has a guy that can come off the bench and score 20 points in 15 minutes? What other team has a guy that can block nearly 6 shots per 48 minutes?

Despite this depth and a bona fide clutch superstar in Carmelo Anthony, people have written off the Nuggets all season. “They don’t play defense” or “they’re knuckleheads” are common refrains. If anyone tells you the Nuggets don’t play defense, just laugh in their face. Because of their pace of play, they tend to give up more points than a team that plays slow-it-up basketball, but their opponent’s field goal percentage is one of the best in the league and when the team gets locked in, they are very capable of holding a team without a basket for long stretches. As for the knucklehead complaint, there’s no doubt the Nuggets have more than their fair share of castoffs and guys that have more tattoos than Dennis Rodman. However, apart from isolated incidents that would be common to any NBA team (Carmelo taking issue with the coach benching him and K-Mart becoming furious with the Dallas fans), the team has relatively been on its best behavior all season. There really isn’t a reason to expect things to change now.

When the playoffs started, many people picked Chris Paul and the Hornets to beat them. When they dismantled the Hornets, some began to be converted, but still warned everybody that the team could implode at any moment and that the Mavericks would be able to beat them. Despite Mark Cuban and the Mavericks’ fans’ best efforts at riling up the Nuggets in a truly classless manner (Cuban’s apology at least seemed sincere), the Nuggets were able to keep their cool and close them out easily in five games.

Now it’s time for the Lakers (note: they haven’t won the series yet, but it’s hard to imagine the Lakers not advancing). Everybody in the world will be picking Los Angeles to advance and set up the dream Kobe-LeBron matchup. On balance, this is the most likely scenario. But don’t count out the Nuggets. This team has been counted all season and every single time they have responded in a remarkable fashion. They are deep, talented, and hungry. If the Lakers think they’re going to waltz into the NBA Finals, they have another thing coming. The Nuggets certainly aren’t going to be afraid of them.

Oh and…

BEAT L.A.!

Dear Norby Williamson

Dear Norby Williamson,

CC: Anyone Else at ESPN

Please stop with your round-the-clock Brett Favre stories. Outside of the Midwest, we don't care. In fact outside of Green Bay, no one would care if you hadn't given the world the delusion that Brett Favre is still a good Quarterback. I could understand if you needed filler stories to talk about while sports weren't going on, but do you realize the NHL Playoffs and NBA Playoffs are going on right now? Or that we have one of the most exciting baseball seasons in recent memories? So while you devote endless regurgitated crap about Roger Clemens, Alex Rodriguez and Manny Ramirez your missing the emergence of player such as Adam Jones, Zack Greinke and countless other young players that play the game the right way legally.

I remember when I used to wake up and SportsCenter was a can't-miss. Now every day I turn it on it's a mix of Outside the Lines, some awful1st and 10 segment, and enough face time for Skip Bayless that will eventually lead me to commit a triple homicide. ESPN has become MTV. Instead of having highlights of sports, we have talking heads and reality TV. Unfortunately ESPN controls the majority of the television contracts for Major League Baseball and the NBA and controls Monday night coverage for the NFL. (Your Monday night football coverage is one of the few things the company still does right.)

In the mean time, please stop ruining Baseball Tonight. Steve Phillips is an idiot. Just because someone was a General Manager doesn't make them a baseball expert by any means. If I ever watch one of those fake GM press conferences again, I'm going to take my Puppy out in the backyard and bury him alive. Baseball Tonight should only cover steroids when A) player gets suspended for it or B) a player returns from it. None of that other nonsense. You already run Outside the Lines 7 times a week, we don't need any more. Either that or put it in E:60 or whatever your 60 Minutes rip-off is called.

Finally start covering the NHL again. These highlights are exciting. Hey look, fights are cool. Hey, those equal ratings! You know what the WNBA equals? People changing the station. Oh wait you don't have the NHL TV contract. I guess this request is out of the question. So, instead, how about you stop ruining sports? Please go back and watch a SportsCenter from 1993. Minus the actual highlight quality that has been improved by new technology, this is the way you should run your highlights. Hannah f@!#!%@ Storm? Are you serious? Bring back the Charley Steiners of the world or hell even newly minted Boston homer, Jack Edwards But please above all Norby, make sports fun and entertaining again on SportsCenter. You're ruining my mornings.

Sincerely,
Futon

Baseball's Last Hope

by Wally Brennan

Albert Pujols is the most underrated player in Major League Baseball.

But he can't be, right? He's won two MVPs, Rookie of the Year, been to the World Series twice (won one), and led the league in pretty much every offensive category at some point in his career. But he really is underrated, and there is one simple word that tells the story as to why he's underrated.

Steroids.

No, I'm not implying Albert Pujols is on steroids; that would probably send me into a state of depression. But look at it this way - if you take away Barry Bonds' steroid-enhanced years, it is conceiveable that Albert Pujols would be a six-time MVP winner at age 29. He finished second to Bonds in 2003 (when Pujols won the batting title and was only two HR behind Barry) and in 2002 as well. He finished 3rd behind Bonds and Adrian Beltre (potential juicer) in 2004, and 2nd behind Ryan Howard (despite having higher BA/OBP/SLG/OPS and fewer K's) in 2006. What we're looking at is a case where if it weren't for a steroid user and voting mistakes, Albert Pujols would be on the Mount Rushmore of baseball players already. But he's not.

The only time Pujols' name has been mentioned with steroids is every time you hear someone say "I just hope he's not on steroids". There have been no accusations, no reports, no teammates coming out of the woodwork, no documentaries. Since this is the case why hasn't MLB made this guy the face of their enterprise? In an era in which they shoved Bonds/Sosa/McGwire/Ramirez (Juice/Juice/Juice/Juice) down our throats, why not try to gain some credibility back and market Albert Pujols to your fans? The guy is legit, and will go down as one of the greatest hitters of all-time when he is retired, but yet casual baseball fans only see him as "a good player".