An Open Letter to Brett Favre

Dear Brett,

I heard a rumor you’re thinking about coming out of retirement again, and I just had a few thoughts I wanted to share with you as a neutral observer. I’m a Broncos fan, you see, so I don’t really care if you come back as a Minnesota Viking. I mean, sure, I would love to be spared of another summer full of stories about you where reporters who don’t know anything about the situation try to pretend they do. It’s really no big deal, though. If it’s not you, they’d find some other story to beat into the ground. There’s a rumor going around that A-Rod might be a horrible person. I just want to give you some advice, though, from a fan’s perspective.

First of all, let me say that you don’t have to listen to anything I say. It’s your career. If you care at all about what the fans think about you, which it seems like you do, you might want to listen to this. Here are a few reasons why you would lose an incredible amount of respect from football fans (especially Green Bay fans) if you play for Minnesota.

1. Judas
John Elway married a former Raiders cheerleader earlier this year, and it almost broke my heart. It’s not because I had any intention of marrying Elway myself (he’s way out of my league, so I’ve been seeing Kyle Orton), but it’s because I hate everything about the Raiders. Don’t get me wrong I still love Elway. I just thought it was crappy that he did that. I can’t even imagine what would happen if Elway decided to play for the Raiders at the end of his career. That’s how Packers fans feel about the Vikings, Brett.

2. Purple Jerseys
Last year, when you went to the Jets, we could squint our eyes and pretend you were still playing for the Packers. It didn’t look so wrong. Well, except for when you played in those awful “New York Titans” uniforms. With the Vikings uniform, though, there’s no way of doing that. You will look awful. Especially since the uniform is purple. No one looks good in purple. Get some style.

3. Wrangler
I don’t even want to know what direction those commercials will go if you stick around too much longer. I don’t want to see you in a commercial for jeans with an elastic waistband.

4. You’re Old.
You’re not a very good quarterback anymore, Brett. You’ve always been a horrible decision maker, and now you don’t have a strong enough arm to make up for it. You won’t have a good year next year, just like you didn’t last year.
If you don’t care about any of that, and you can’t stand the thought of spending the whole year with Deanna nagging on you, then come back and play.

Just know that we won’t like it.

Sincerely,
Joe Reimers